Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Blogoliday Post: Would You Like to Take a Haiku?

FYI: If you say "haiku" many times and fast enough, you'll hear "hike."

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So, shall I rattle the box of a goblin? Sure, why not? Hehehe.

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Well, my dear reader(s), I have to say I've been enjoying my blogoliday. I'm not stuck inside my own head as much, and most importantly, I'm not writing about it—repeatedly. I mean, it's not like those entries are something interesting or profound.

No! Wait!—"Mr. Chairperson, I move to strike the previous remark for being too self-loathing."

Anyways, "Enjoying"... yada, yada, yada... "writing"... yada... and, I'm extrospecting* a little. I likey, likey!

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Well, let me provide you yet again with an exposition: A blogoliday post is a post where I rehash my old post for your reading pleasure. At the end, I give you a little challenge. You must comply. Because if you don't, I'll know you don't love me and I'll be crushed, devastated, extinguished.

There are days when you feel ugly, or feel ugly—it's an introspective view; an extrospective* view is—there are days when the world feels ugly, or feels ugly. And the summation of them says ALL is U.G.L.Y.

There's chaos, disharmony, an elegy.

But there was this one tiny insignificant moment in time and space that uplifted me: the world looked beautiful to me, I felt beautiful in it; I felt connected to the world, the world felt connected to me. And I tried writing a normal post, but it kinda evolved into.., well, it was partly because of the great doctor's haikus, which later found themselves bound in paper. I'm no poet, but I like to play one in my blog. So, without further ado...
019: I Live in the Now

On a Sun soaked day
In the greatest town on Earth
I'm taking a stroll

From down the street...

A boy throws a fit
Tugging at his nanny's arm
But she trudges on

As we cross path...

Her face is stone cold
Revealing nothing, but wait—
Did her eyes just roll?

Giving her a nod
One, full of understanding
I crack a huge smile

How precious is this
A moment of connection
Between two strangers

Continuing my walk...

On a Sun soaked day
In the greatest town on Earth
I realize it

I am fortunate.

I live in the Now.
Now, for the challenge: Write your own haiku(s). Write about some small moment in your life, a moment you felt at peace with the world, at peace with yourself. The teacher in me would like to see you in your haiku. There's no deadline. Consider this an open challenge running indefinitely. Once you post your haiku(s), let me know by sending me a comment or an e-mail. You can even A.I.M. me (fullofhype).

So, would you like to take a haiku? With me?


*I can make up words because I used to be an "English" teacher.


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Addendum (01/18/06 09:51PM): Oh, I almost forgot. I'll consider this challenge a success if I get—and I'm going to dream big here—if I get at least five bloggers to take a haiku with me.

Oh, as I'm watching Lost, I can't get over how hot Matthew Fox is!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

139: Here's My Two

I'm... I am temporarily taking myself out of my blogoliday (I used to teach English to Japanese high school students, so I can make up words!) just to respond to my "about-a-month-and-counting long" blog crush's recent posts: this and this, because I also feel that I need to clarify my position. (Although I could just shut up since no one hurled any hate e-mails my way or asked for my "Gay Membership Card" back for believing something that amends the statement: "gay is genetic," I won't.)

So, here's my two cents:

I am a queer because I am a queer. (I do not discount nature; my brethrens and I are in agreement.)

And I am a queer because of how I grew up. (Very controversial, I know! I strongly believe nurture affects the person you are. It may be that some of my brethrens seem to ignore/minimize/deny this view because of the current political and cultural war waged in America.)

I would never say that being gay wasn't genetic. But I think it's a part of the equation—a very significant part. And most of you would agree that what I'm saying isn't new.

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Consider this: some women are predisposed to some rapid and uncontrolled cell growths in their breasts—they have the "breast cancer genes," but they may live their entire lives without ever having to suffer from the disease; some women do not have the genes, yet they need a mastectomy and chemotherapy. (By the way, if there's any confusion, I am in no way, no how equating being gay is the same as living with (and then perhaps dying from) an "abnormal" state.)

Also, we haven't even found a so-called "gay gene."

So, how can we then give so must credence solely to genetics?

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And no, I do not think there is just one "gay gene.” A gene usually expresses a state that's either is or is not; on or off; black or white (in the figurative sense), with no shades of gray in the middle. Clearly our experiences and observations in the Human population have taught us that, in human sexuality, there isn't a clear break from gay to straight (see Kinsey). And even biology has taught us that: multiples genes influence the vast array of differences in a trait; for example, your eye color. Then, something as complex as human sexuality cannot be dismissed as something controlled only by just one gene. Even in an evolutionary point of view, if such a "gene" existed, nature would have whittled it away from the population, provided that gays, the absolute polar opposite to the straights, would not breed, because he or she is unable to or unwilling to do a little dance.

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The examples I'm giving aren't to discount that being gay is genetic. Heaven be damned, should some misguided fundamentalist says that there are gays who believe that being gay is a lifestyle choice and that they can change, and that I am one of those delusional gays. No, I don't want to hear that I can happily be married to a woman with two kids, a dog, and a picket fence around my house, living the ultimate American suburban NIGHTMARE!

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All I am saying is that genetics is not the end to human sexuality; it's definitely a start. Yes, I believe our sexuality starts with multiple genes working in concert or perhaps some working against some to make you the sexual being you are. But a trait that’s controlled by multiple genes, the expressivity and penetrance of genes, and their combinatory effects, affect its outcome. A colony of E. coli with a lac operon living on a Petri dish with glucose as their main source of energy will have its lac operon muted; a colony of E. coli with a lac operon living on a Petri dish with lactose as their main source of energy will have its lac operon functioning. Yes, we must look at the environment.

We must also take heed that in biology, and it’s a fascinating aspect of it, that there always are exceptions to the rule. A certain stimulus that elicits a certain response from an organism may not elicit the same response from another organism, even if they are the same species. These variables in the equation make it hard to say that one who grew up a certain way will be one thing and another who grew up another way will be another. Or saying that both who grew up a certain way will end up the same would be absurd.

I grew up with an absent father and an overprotective, controlling mother. But ours was a very traditional Korean household, with my uncles and older male cousins acting the surrogate male role models. Some of whom had… well… When I was a child, I was molested—and I liked it, because it was their display of love; and when I was a child, I molested other boys (and a girl) younger than me—and I liked it, because it was my display of love. I got caught; I was reprimanded. Like Adam and Eve, my shame was exposed. I hated myself. I found forgiveness in the church, and I suppressed all things sexual about myself, believing I must be something I am not to be forgiven and loved. Indeed I shouldn't be a molester, but a homosexual? I don’t know, I could have been very successful living that life, and I’d have died a heterosexual. But I found the gay blogosphere and heard from it many voices showing me the true face of God, gracious and loving. Again, I say, I don’t know… I wonder if I had been nurtured some other way, would my true natural tendency—minus the inappropriate hands—had found expression and penetration early on, as I wish it had?

You see, when we do start to look at how nurture, including all aspects of nurture, the controllable and the uncontrollable facets of our surroundings, can strengthen or weaken our natural tendencies, now then, when we truly ponder this, We, the humankind, who hold life’s many diversities and mysteries, We indeed are the true image of God.

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And now, back to my regularly scheduled blogoliday. :-)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

138: Post Script

I hadn't planned on blogging anymore...

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I think I still need time to clear my head...

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I feel too much like a singer in an empty closet singing to himself. Don't get me wrong, I love singing. But more and more, I've spent many a night wondering what kind of songs I should sing, hoping to get more people to join in, to harmonize to my melody, with counterpoints and gracenotes, together becoming a choir; our voices reverberating, filling the world's greatest cathedrals with a sweet, sweet, heavenly sound.

Yet... My ethereal cathedral is but an enduring closet. I've built nothing.

And in despair's comfort, I am cloistered; because in the abundance of my care, I am suffocated, dead, and buried.

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...Last night, one of my favorite bloggers, to commemorate his first year anniversary, came out...AGAIN. In front of an orange tree stands Simon shedding his secret: his handsome mug revealed, his apprehension cast aside, Simon revels in his quiet triumph of the unexpected. As his orange tree, for the first time since being planted, bears fruit, an unanticipated gospel, Simon heralds in a new birth.

As I sat watching his videocast, my eyes were heavy with welled tears of happiness and of admiration. But I guess Saul reigns in me, for I, too, was at the ready with a spear to thrust into the heart of a boy with his lyre.

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Stuffed and packed inside the Orient Express, with John Vanderslice crooning into my ears, I empty my head; my thoughts are supplanted with his words, "dance dance revolution..." and my body feels... heavy and light, grounded and uplifted. I see in front of me the World glisten from Helios's gentle caress, his august fingers, more glorious than Midas's, anointing her, the drabiest of drab, my Queens. Robed and crowned, now, with regal splendor, hued with gold and bronze, holds she the globe, her royal orb, the towers, her maces. Her majesty overcomes me. This morning, I am broken; I am blown; I am burnt.

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The map and Site Meter are gone from my blog. I'm liberated.
I am going to take a hiatus from blogging. It's sensible.
Should there be something to say, I'll visit.
In the meantime, there a world out there to "extrospect."

Forget waiting for Prince Charming.
There's a princess to rescue!
Hermit crab, come out and play.
Hermit crab, come out and play.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

137: REsolved to DisSOLve the Malcontent, Une SoluTION

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd towne, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved faine,
But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot againe,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Holy Sonnet XIV - by John Donne
A New Year's Day is some arbitrary day when most of us resolve with a fancy declaration vowing to turn our lives anew. In my mind, I've done the same; I've resolved to dissolve the malcontent. Yet in all honesty, starting this post has been extremely difficult. (Well, then again, nothing for me has ever been easy. But we're not going to talk about that. Let's talk about this:)

As John Donne notes, it's not enough for the Divine to "knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend" his enslaved heart. Or rather if you do not like idea that the Divine of the Christian faith pulls the strings on the marionette of your constitution, let it be said, then, that it's not enough for "you," the wholly independent "you," and I'd even dare say, the divine in "you," as the puppeteer, to mend the symptoms of your sorrow. It's like taping cracks on a dam ready to unleash thousands of gallons of destruction and death. I believe as John Donne does, I must be overthrown; I must "break, blow, burn" so that I'd be made new. As freshly mined gold ores are refined by fire, let me also be purified into something precious.

But I need help—your help. "Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend / But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue." Plans and goals, I've thought out for myself; faithful and true, I want to remain. However, on the wayside, should these aspirations be lost, despairing I'd be, for yet again, is found, my friend, Failure. Tragic is this that I'll still exist devoid of life; sorrowful still is this that I am a non-entity.

How funny though, the despair is my very own... my baby, my child I've nurtured for far too long...

I should just fade away... This exercise, this blog... of useless introspection, of vanity and pride... just so that I can find myself... Am I finding myself? I am lost. Relevance? Acceptance? Immortality? Love? They don't apply to me. I'm done. I'm finished.

No more...

Let me disappear into oblivion... The splendor of my life was but a futile dream.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

136: A Prayer

Dear God,

I ...

...

...

... Fuck it. Forget it.

Amen