These are some of the words that have been coming and going in my consciousness.
As I write this, my iPod is playing a song from Camp, Century Plant:
Hey! Do you wanna come out,It was so easy as a wee child relating to people: I’m playing with a toy; entranced by its shapes and colors, I'm full of joy. But out of nowhere a playmate waddles over, grabbing hold of my toy and yanking it away from my hand. A fight ensues, resulting in either one of us, or both of us, left with tears streaming down our plump cheeks. But usually, the wailing loser is me. I cry out for Mommy to come and arbitrate a fair and equitable deal, one that favors me. Mommy, with her consoling words, calms my wronged soul. And she gently nudges both of us to share. After a few sniffles followed with a gleeful squeal and a robust belly laugh, the battle, the battered soul, the bitter rivalry, they are all a long lost history. Together, the games are played again; together, the playtime is enjoyed. That is, until our mommies swoop us up to take us home. How easy it was to make friends with your former enemies… Maybe it was just easy making friends in general.
and play the game?
It's never too late.
But can a childhood spent being uprooted, shuffled from one place to another, from one guardian to the next, to be separated from the familiar, can that kind of childhood change your whole disposition in how you relate to people?
Hey! Do you wanna come out,How difficult it is for me to say that.
And play the game?
How difficult it is for me to respond to that.
In college, while I was fully entrenched in my religion, I sought like-minded individuals to associate with, and possibly to befriend. You see it was easier that way. To be among a group of people who constantly speak of God's Love, who strive to be loving… It’s natural to conclude that they’d be less willing to totally reject you, especially when you profess to be one of them and mainly when they feel obligated to live a life God wants them to live. The downside of being a part of that is that most of them are guarded, unwilling to show any signs of weaknesses, that they might be less than perfect, that it is difficult for them to live up to the strictures supposedly prescribed by the Scriptures. I admit that I was the same way.
As a member of that community, did I feel accepted or was I as accepting of others as I should have been? Honestly, no and no. But I faked it real good. I lived to live with the façade. But even with the air of superficiality permeating our lives, I did manage to find some people completely genuine in their love for God and in their love for people. They were refreshingly open and flawed, totally receptive of God’s grace, utterly gracious as well. They befriended me and I befriended them. They were my true brothers and sisters.
Regretably, time and distance can change the dynamics of a relationship. Inevitably many of my friendships have altered. My living abroad has cost me some little joys, like witnessing my friends, having found love, profess their lasting love, at the alter, in front of family and friends, for their beloved, sealing their lives together with a kiss. And like, the weekly email communications shrinking down to once a month event; then before you know it, seasons change, and you find the lines of communication have been muted. Now, we lead different lives...we've changed. We've grown up.
Slowly I'm reconnecting with them, but what once was can't ever be regained. I've changed. For the better? I can't really say. But I've changed, or rather I've finally given myself permission to be "me." But still, I keep a part of me hidden from my friends.
Would they accept me as they've done in the past? Could they free themselves from the hateful messages that have been spreading within the Christian circle? Yes, I still and always will fear rejection. And I may drift through this life in loneliness, longing and yearning for love. All the time spent on my searches, hoping and wishing, it may all be a big waste. I may resign myself a failure and die miserably. But I may not. No, I will not. I can not.
So...
Hey! Do you wanna come out,Will I? Can I?
and play the game?
It's never too late.
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