068: From Larry

This is my very first attempt at a meme. I have to confess that I don't particularly enjoy reading memes on other people's blog, but I really like the concept of this one. Mainly because it's voluntary! Rather than having someone tag you to do a meme, you ask to be tagged. How perfect is it for an unpopular kid to join in on the soirée of spamming the blogosphere?! It's like the kid who gets picked last in gym, going up to the captain to request beg grovel to get picked. But this time around, the captain has to pick you first. Fantastic, innit? This kid can't wait to have it a go.

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Doo-do-doo doo-do-doo...

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Giggles, I said "doo doo."

God, I'm a riot!

So, without further a-do, this is from Larry, who called me "Little Cutey Jakey K." Um... Larry, How Could You?! I told you about my stereotypically small Asian sausage in confidence, and you had to call me "little" in public! Now, I've agita.

Okay, no more deflections; no more fooleries. Here I go, but first, to the loo...

I'm back. Where was I? Oh, yes. The questions. You know, sometimes, I think I go out of my way to ward off people from me, using my sorry ass humor to make people feel a little uncomfortable. It's ironic really that, although a common leitmotif in my blog has been about struggling with loneliness, I still continue to put up walls, finding ways to disentangle myself from life's web, of which I so want to be in the center, or at least, a part. So…

1) Why do you blog?

…you ask. Yeah, that’s one reason why I blog. When I first started this blog, I wrote this. I still stand by it. But more and more, I’m realizing that to “stand naked,” insomuch as to reveal the “splendor of my life,” I need to… To tear down the battlements and the high walls I’ve erected around me, to tether myself to the human experience. Too long I have sought annihilation of me, believing more I denied me, greater the rewards awaiting me in the life-after. “Christ in me is to live; to die is to gain,” it’s a verse that I’ve always taken to heart, an overwhelmingly heavy shackle, pulling me, holding me…oppressively down—believing, ‘If I continue to work hard at being straight, battling my true nature, then I’ll be okay.’ But I wasn’t. Now, I’m awakening from a slumber of misinterpretation, discovering in that same verse empowerment, one that teaches: live to Love as Christ Loves ALL; and gain the Kingdom of Heaven by letting die self-hatred. I’m defying gravity.

But then, whatever! What I’ve written thus far may all be just potpourri, fragrant but ephemeral. Better yet, it may just be diarrhea. No modifiers needed.

Or maybe, I’m just bloggin’ to get laid.

2) Are you more attracted to intelligent men or beauty?

That’s an easy one. I’m a guy and I’m gay. Give me a hot, muscular beauty with an ass that makes you go…(controlling myself) breathless. Mostly during these sweltering summer days, I must confess, I’m surprised I still have my eyes in their sockets, because, you know, of their uncontrollable saccades, moving from one hot guy to the next—in the subway, on the streets, in the restrooms… I mean, c’mon.

But seriously though, I don’t think intelligence and beauty are mutually exclusive. Take the blogosphere as an example, or rather my experience in it: for a closeted guy, the internet is a… well, a great resource for… um, let me just quote a few lines from Avenue Q…

Kate (K): I’m glad we have this new technology,
Trekkie (T): For porn.
K: Which gives us untold opportunity,
T: For por—oops, sorry.
K: Right from your own desktop,
T: For ---
K: You can research, browse, and shop, until you’ve had enough and you’re ready to stop,
T: FOR PORN!!
K: Trekkie!
T: The internet is for porn!
K: Noooo.
T: The internet if for porn!
K: Trekkie!
T: Me up all night honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!

So naturally my web surfing takes me to him (It’s totally work appropriate, so click away). (I shouldn’t say that—no; I wasn’t looking for his blog, I just happened on it.) Well, the thing is I’ve been very good at compartmentalizing my emotions—the physiological reactions I had towards men on the internet did not necessarily define me—having lustful feelings for men did not make me gay, or rather, it did not give me the needed push to out myself. I needed more. Finding DOGPOET, then a community of men who’ve come before me, and reading their lives… I know it’s cheesy and nonsensical this line of reasoning, but reading their lives connected all the dots for me. If I hadn’t these men nourishing my mind with their thoughts, experiences, and stories, I wouldn’t be the person I am. So, for me, to be attracted to an individual, the beauty of body can only go so far. I need to see the beauty of mind, soul, and spirit.

But then again, if a beautiful bodied boy offered to “play” with me… well (grinning slyly)…

3) Name one animal that you would not like to be?

I don’t want to be any animals that are described as a parasite. My large extended family, the K. clan, if you will, has some who "have" and some who "have not," and my nuclear family belonged with the "have-not’s." When we first moved to this country, we’ve relied on the kindness of the "have’s." But we’ve never asked nor begged. If they offered assistance, we gratefully accepted with the full intent of repaying them. Yet a few, who’ve never offered help, tended to, and still do, look at us with not-so-subtle disdain, like we are some annoying mosquitoes or leeches feeding on their blood. Well, fuck them, I say. Oh, by the way, I’m not bitter. No, not an ounce of it inhabits me.

4) What is your earliest memory?

Actually all my early memories are blurry: some events have even bled together into one trippy narrative. Like the time, I was coming home from my art class—I was, like, 5, I think—and it was, like, pouring, because it was, like, the monsoon season in Korea, and like, I was wearing these yellow boots, and I pooped my pants.

Okay, I have nothing. I tried. But there’s just nothing. Sorry.

5) If tomorrow was the end of the world, how would you spend today?

One side of me would want to have a wild time, trying all sorts of things I haven’t tried, pure debauchery and hedonistic abandonment. The other side of me would want to share my last moment with the man I love, in a Zen-like contemplated solitude, just us, feeling our hearts beat, hearing each other breathe, and gazing into each others’ eyes to find our souls intertwined as one. Then the veil of Heaven rips open, and the Father calls us both. “Come,” He says, “you have done good.”

But then again, I'm single, so sinfully decadent partying anyone?

Instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “Interview me.” (”Blow me” or “Eat me” are not acceptable substitutes.)
(Actually for me, I'll accept "blow me" or "eat me," just leave me your address, and I'll be there to fulfill your requests.)

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person’s will be different. I’ll post the questions in the comments section of this post.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.