087: Inexplicable Funk

I’ve been staring at a blank word document for a good two hours time wondering how I should begin this post.

Correction: make that, five days. After that first sentence, I’ve spent the better part of those five nights opening and closing this document without much progress…

Okay, here I go…

Ever since Seattle, despite all my attempts just to carry on, trying my utmost to find a so-called happy place, I am in a state of funk. Add to the fact that one friend saying this and another friend echoing the same sentiment leaves me feeling… Forget it, I’d rather have a taste of gunpowder in my mouth just before everything turns black or have a cold steel blade slicing my insides in a HARA-KIRI ritual, than talk about how I feel. I’m just in a state of funk.

funk 1
noun
1 (also blue funk) [in sing. ] a state of depression : I sat absorbed in my own blue funk.

This streak of blue piercing my very being has made me furtive.

furtive
adjective
attempting to avoid notice or attention, typically because of guilt or a belief that discovery would lead to trouble

But I can’t let myself be in this state any longer—I am not invisible and I am not meant to live in darkness of guilt and shame. I’ve descended into a valley of my creation. But I’ve not yet reached the deepest point. Once there, perhaps the ascent to the light, out of self-pity and loathing, will be a certainty.

So, I’ve decided to quicken my descent by writing a list of what I hate about myself. I mean if I can’t use my own blog as a sounding board for my own neurosis, where can I? (Actually, I may one day find myself lying down on a psychiatrist’s chair, spilling my guts out. But for the financially challenged Yours Truly, I am satisfied with my blog.) Perhaps years later when I refer back to this list, I may have made some progress and have become someone who is not by any means the person on the list. Or at least I’ll have a good laugh. Hopefully, we all will.

The list, in no particular order:

1. I hate that my big head sits on top of a skinny neck and a small-framed torso. How my head doesn’t just roll off my body is a mystery.
2. I hate that when I look at myself in the mirror and turn side ways, I am a flat board. Think, stick figure with a big balloon as a head!
3. I hate that my face has everything in common with a pepperoni pizza pie.
4. I hate that I fit the stereotype: “all gay men suffer from a poor body image.”
5. I hate that I don’t fit the stereotype: “all well dressed, good looking men are gay.”
6. I hate that I care about this superficial vanity when there are people suffering, especially the Katrina evacuees.
7. I hate that I threw in No.6 only so that people won’t find me vapid and shallow.
8. I hate that I care about what people think about me.
9. I hate that sometimes I care too much that I want to do everything I can to make things better, but when I try to put words into deeds and find it difficult, I shut down and I stop caring about everything.
10. I hate that sometimes I don’t care at all, wanting just to mope around in my own filth, but when I hear something that makes my heart bleed, I get fired up and energized.
11. I hate that my best friend is Netflix. But recently, I got premium cable channels, so Netflix is quickly losing that status.
12. I hate that, although I say becoming a doctor is a dream of mine, I can’t seem to get myself motivated to realize that dream. In other words, I still haven’t finished my application essay. Fuck!
13. I hate that I moan about my pitiful status quo continuously.
14. I hate that I was born into my family.
15. I hate that I’m my dad’s son.
16. I hate that my mom suffered so much, but I can’t do anything to make things better for her.
17. I hate that if and when my mom finds out about me, her heart will be broken.
18. I hate that I was born a Korean.
19. I hate that I want my dad to know about me, so that I can see his heart break.
20. I hate that I have a distant father, emotionally and physically, and an overprotective mom.
21. I hate that my mom didn’t divorce my dad before I was conceived.
22. I hate that my half sister has known my dad more and better than I ever have.
23. I hate that my sister had known the love of two parents while growing up, while I had only one.
24. I hate that when my sister lost her mother through cancer, I neither felt bad nor sorry for her at all.
25. I hate that I can be so cold hearted.
26. I hate that I can’t let myself get close to anyone.
27. I hate that I constantly live in fear of rejection.
28. I hate that, because I don’t want to be rejected, I play the doormat for all to trample on.
29. I hate that I have no backbone. I’m a coward! A chicken shit.
30. I hate that I’m a loser.
31. I hate that I suck at sports.
32. I hate that there isn’t any one thing that makes me stand out. Let me tell you, I know, I’m as interesting as watching grass grow.
33. I hate that, although I started this list with the intention of infusing it with some self-deprecating humor, I’m failing miserably.
34. I hate that I’m infuriatingly moody, especially now.
35. I hate that most people I know from my graduating class are making more money than I am. Not that I really care. Whatever!
36. I hate that my friends can say in one breath that being gay is not a sin, but having gay sex is, even if it’s sex rooted in love and commitment.
37. I hate that their response is exactly what I had expected.
38. I hate that God “inspired” Moses to write something so hateful as to condemn a group of people for generations.
39. I hate that God “inspired” Paul to write celibacy is what’s right by God, and thus holy.
40. I hate that I lived by Paul’s stricture.
41. I hate that since I’m fucked if I do and fucked if I don’t, I should just fuck!
42. But I hate that if I just fuck I’ll be proving the right wing Christians’ point that it’s a lifestyle of choice, that sex between two men is not a real, true expression of love, that it’s an abominable act.
43. But also I hate that I know I’ll never fuck for fuck sake because I’m a fucking chicken shit and that I won’t actively search for love because, again, I’m a fucking chicken shit.
44. I hate that I can’t be eloquent in expressing these thoughts.
45. I hate that there’s not even one iota of irony or sarcasm in my list.
46. I hate that I feel hatred towards God now.
47. I hate that I feel hatred towards my “Christian” friends now.
48. I hate that I want to be the one to discover a pill to make people not gay anymore.
49. I hate that the natural conclusion to this list is so obvious.
50. I hate that I loathe, LOATHE myself.

I think I’ve hit bottom.

Hey, do you think my readership will increase after this?

Hahaha. Probably not.