In my previous post, I shared with you all my response to an e-mail from a first time reader. He has given me permission to post his e-mail to me. So, I'm going to share. But, even though he didn't ask, he will remain anonymous to you all. m'kay. good.Hey,
[___]. I saw your recent comment on [___] blog and followed the link to your blog. And I read a bit. You sound like a good guy, with all the insecurities etc that we all have.
But the reason that I'm writing you is I wanted to respond to your 11/23/06 post. I think that I know how shitty you must have felt about your friend M. I only came out at 32 (being 36 now) and therefore hadn't dated much. So my friendships have been (and still are) immensely important to me. So, I know how crappy it can feel when a friend lets you down--especially an important friend. Even though I do feel that I have a good group of friends, I too have had the experience of hearing about plans or events that I wasn't included in. It's that sick to your stomach feeling, where you wonder why I wasn't invited. I, like you, like everybody, want to feel that I matter to someone. So, the main thing is that I wanted to share with you that I get what you're saying.
I hope you don't mind (even though I don't know you) but I wanted to share a story with you. From [___], I know that a blog is often a place to just vent so you may not want input, so you can take it or leave it.
And the other thing is this--(as [___] will attest to, I can get lecture-ish sometimes), here's a big lesson that helped me a lot. Maybe it something that you totally get, but hear me out. One of my best friends is this guy named Chris. Chris and I have been friends since the first month of freshman year in college. I'm Caucasian, Jewish (well, sort of) and pretty American in my thinking. He's from a South Pacific island and arrived here when he was 14 years old. So, not exactly the same upbringing for us.
Anyway, he is and always has been a great friend. But it's been a learning friendship--it's sometimes challenging being friends with him because we think so differently. And to prove this. During sophomore year of college, I found out about something that he did that totally pissed me off. I fumed for a bit and then decided to talk to him. At some point during the conversation I asked him, "Why would you do that?!" And he basically just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal." A light bulb went off for me. Of course, I knew intellectually that people don't think the same, but it was only at that point, at 20 yrs old, that I really, really "got it."
I realized, "Holy shit. He really DIDN'T think it was a big deal!" I was still pissed and had a right to be. We talked it through and resolved it. But it made me realize how that I'd been projecting my value system onto others and how it wasn't working for me. I expected people to think as I did (having an identical twin brother--no, he's not gay--didn't help this matter). If [I] had done to [me] what Chris did to me, that would suck. But that wasn't the case. Don't get me wrong, it's still a struggle for me to really realize that people think differently. But when I do "get it," it saves me a lot of misery (not all of it, but a lot).
You seem like a deep guy. And I hate to tell you this--as you probably already know for yourself--it's been a struggle to realize that most people won't interact at that deep level. But as I've gotten older, I've found more and more people who do. I agree with the blog comment that M was probably just being thoughtless as opposed to doing something purposely crappy.
Anyway, again, the main point, I wanted to convey, was that I know how you feel.
Take care,
[___]
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