***
I can't cogently explain how yours truly, while rigidly hetero-identified in his early adolescence until just recently, justified to himself his fascination with queer art and entertainment.
Maurice? Yes, it was my first time actually seeing two men in naked embrace, kissing!
Curiosity had got the best of this cat and I wanted to watch movies with a homosexual bent. Back then, these movies to me were avant-garde, indie...something my mother would have had a heart attack if she had caught me watching. And watch I did; whenever Bravo decided to throw in a line-up of gay related cinema, watch I did; just so that I could learn something, learn about these aberrant people, albeit passively, watch I did. Subconsciously, perhaps, I identified myself as being one, hence my wanting to be exposed to gay life shown in cinema. I don’t know. But consciously, I did not and could not identify with the homosexuals; nonetheless, I was fascinated with them: their courage to be themselves regardless of the stigma society attached on their “lifestyle.” Their love was not selfish, but brave, and utterly normal.
If Maurice had shown me the genuineness of love shared between two men (which was only applicable to them, but not me), then Longtime Companion had shown me the reality of pain and suffering the community was experiencing—and still is—with AIDS/HIV (which had, in some level, along with some personal experiences, unrelated to the AIDS plight, turned me off to sex. I’m talking about a paralyzing phobia here^).
Let’s fast forward…
I have rented countless queer related movies, read many queer themed books, followed several queer associated TV shows… (I guess I’m still doing all that.) And they all have taught me a great deal about the queer world. They’ve become the womb for my growth, maturing me to come to terms with my identity. Then, almost a year ago, I set sail in the vast ocean of cyberspace and land on blogosphere populated by queers^^. They are not some fictional characters from a film, a book, or a TV show, but real, flesh and blood, fascinating individuals, who are brazenly open about their lives^^^. They become the oxytocin released to contract the womb to give birth…
Within the bad metaphor usage in the last paragraph, the point I am trying to make is that I come out to myself. I finally accept myself as a gay man.
***
It’s Pride Week in New York. As a nascent, homo-identified Newbie, it’s my first ever Pride. And I’ve been asking myself the question Heather Small poses: “What have you done today to make you feel proud?”
I guess, I can say that I’ve finally grown a pair and admitted to myself that I am gay—I can be proud of that. I can also say that I’ve decided to share my experience being an itinerant in this New World I decided to journey through by blogging faithfully—I can be proud of that.
***
By the way, can anybody tell me where the best spot is to watch the parade? I hear Tin Man has a prime real estate to view the festivities... Does he
^ I figured I should supply an additional evidence for my freak-dom and my loser-iness, since my last post had garnered me attention from the good people of WYSIWYG. Positive Reinforcement! Thank you guys for linking me. And for those of you who arrived here via WYSIWYG, stay and peruse for a while.
^^ Thank you Zeitzeuge for the mention. And for those of you who arrived here via Zeitzeuge, stay and peruse for a while.
^^^ From his blog, I know D O G P O E T is busy with his autobiography, but if any of you, my two faithful readers and visitors, know him, tell him to please, please, please post. I miss reading him.
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