075: I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today

Well... Well... Well...

Brian:
I'm not wearing underwear today,
No, I'm not wearing underwear today,
Not that you probably care,
Much about my underwear,
Still none the less i gotta say,
That I'm not wearing underwear today!

(Tepid claps)

Christmas Eve:
Get a Job!

Brian:
Thank you. Honey.

- Avenue Q

I don't know how I should begin... Well, firstly, it should be the case where one's sexuality is like Brian telling the world, "I'm not wearing underwear today." It's something, but not everything. Secondly, people should be more like Christmas Eve. They should only care about what really matters about the other. Like Brian needing to "get a job."

I don't know how to continue... Maybe it was the bottle of wine we shared during dinner, but I finally revealed to my friend, E, yesterday, about my blog. I've known E since freshman year in college; she also went to my high school, but we didn't know each other then. (Okay, that's not important.) What's important is that if you've checked out my long ass list and read number 21, you'd know what's important. Now she knows. And I really don't know how I feel. The emotion can, maybe, be described as relief... That...maybe...is what I felt, at first. But when she IMed this afternoon to let me know she read hyphenated non-IDentity and thought it a very good read, I had the following sequence of thoughts:

Okay.

(The mind blanks)

Okay.

(A longer blank)

Oh, shit! — OMG!OMG!OMG! — What have I done???

(Pause)

Okay.

(Pause: Synapses in the brain firing furiously)

I'll tell her that hyphenated non-IDentity is all an elaborate scheme my feeble mind formulated, so that I seem like an interesting writer.

"E, I've never told you, but I want to be a writer, you see..." Yeah, that's what I'll say. "I'm not REALLY gay." Continuing, "I decided, as a literary gimmick, that it'll be interesting to write in a POV of a closeted gay guy coming out."

"I'm not gay." (Short pause) "Ha ha ha." — That's what I'll say.

But instead I IM her back, telling her that I'm too busy to chat. And thank goodness that I was indeed busy.

I don't know how to end this post... The sky hasn't fallen; the earth hasn't torn apart. Life, my life, goes on. I've taken a chance and gotten naked. I'm slowly letting my past know my present for a chance of a better future. One by one, they'll hear me. And each time I share my voice, my soul will tremble, in fear and in excitement.

E, if you're reading this, just know that I'm still me. Nothing has changed. I'm still the same whiny, selfish, annoying guy you've always known. Now, you have a better understanding of who I am. When you IMed me to say that we should have a coming out party, that alone... your words meant a world to me. Thank you.